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Eternal Dissociation of the Present vacation

For the last 4-ish years, vacations have not felt like vacations.

And while I write this as someone who is blessed enough to even travel in the first place — I must emphasize that I am eternally grateful and aware that its a privilege I get to take holidays at all! This is not a complaining column, just some introspection of my experiences.

Like I was saying…

Vacations have not felt like vacations in some time. I have felt like I am in these places physically, but not mentally. Somehow my body showed up, got dressed, took some photos, and saw amazing views- but my brain is not processing what is happening the moment it happens. Only later at night in my hotel- or when I get back home - and I look through photos and videos can I feel “wow that was so nice to experience!”.

Is it because I have become the one responsible for planning the itineraries now instead of blindly following mom/dads plans like when we were kids? Is it the lack of definitive “breaks” as an adult like Summer Vacation and Thanksgiving Break? Is it being a small business owner with work on my mind 24/7? I have no idea. Maybe all of the above.

For those that were adults in the 90’s and 2000’s, can you confirm if you felt this way when you took vacations back then?

I believe a major factor of not being able to live in the moment is constantly thinking “what’s next” or “I need to remember to do XYZ later” or “what’s the most efficient way of doing this .. then that..?”.

Being the primary itinerary planner always has me with Google maps open looking up how to get to the next destination. Where as in the past I never even noticed mom and dad leading us on all our adventures, we just somehow ended up where we needed to be! Childhood ignorance, I suppose. Now its my turn to lead the adventure.

The last 2 years my boyfriend and I have been realizing how bad our mental health and work life balances are. We’ve been taking extra care to not k1ll ourselves with stress and all that fun stuff. But maybe its draining us more than we know. Its been a few holidays now that Christmas hasn’t felt like Christmas. And now Vacations don’t feel like vacations.

What can we do to change that?
I am screaming into the void for answers! What whimsical talents must I train in to trick my brain out of this dissociation?!

I need to quiet my brain. I don’t want to enjoy my vacation once I get home. I want to enjoy them in the present. I am curious if adults who traveled in the 90’s/2000’s experienced this dissociation on vacation because work was not online back then.

You quite literally got a forced break because its not like you could work miles away from home. unless you took work calls I guess. But still! Nowadays you have social media, emails, analytics.. all in the palm of your hand on a smart phone. You are one login confirmation away from everything. There is no escape. And in some cases work can’t stop. Is this a part of the problem?

Is access to the internet ruining yet another aspect of life?

Take away work entirely. What about the stress of posting your own personal stories, or curating the perfect photo dump? Yes, its not really a stress imposed on you by any real responsibility but we ALL feel the need to share these moments we are enjoying. Its fun but we turn our holidays into trying to get the sickest photos instead of idk.. maybe enjoying the moment?

Like why am I carrying around 3 cameras instead of sitting down and breathing.

I do genuinely enjoy posting photos and stories. Like.. I’m not gonna stop LOL its really fun! but I can’t lie and say its not a tiny bit stressful!

All in all I think there are definitely things I could fix on my end to make vacations feel more like vacations in the present moment. But I think the times we live in also play a major roll in the dissociation of it all.

I crave a reality where my mind is quieter and I didn’t care so much about the things that don’t matter.

I wish I didn’t notice the little things like who is not liking my posts or not watching my stories. I wish I could be happier in the moment and not overthink. I wish I could stop dissociating.

In my perfect world, I would leave all smart devices at home and only take my film camera with me on trips. Maybe I can work up to that level of freedom from ye ol’ internet.

Can someone teach me how to read a map?

xoxo

K